AQUARIUS

​Aquarius will find themselves trapped in a sleeping bag filled with Penz motor oil and pepperonis. What’s the plural of Aquarius? Aquariuses? Aquarii?

PISCES

​Pisces’ intense sense of anthropocentrism has angered the entirety of the avian community. Avoid birds at all costs.

ARIES

You’re not deep because you use the word “existential” sometimes.

TAURUS

No matter how many times you say "homie", you’ll never be as “hood” as you think you are.

GEMINI

Only the strong survive.

CANCER

You got it! (:

​LEO

We had something really funny planned for this one, but Sharon said no.

VIRGO

Never forget, replacing the letter “s” with a “z” is always zuper groovy.

LIBRA

Looking for an owl, you bump into a tree. You call out “have you seen this owl?” You hear back in response, “who?”

SCORPIO

Dad jokes aren’t funny, you’re just boring.

SAGGITARIUS

Hold up, imma let you finish, but Kanye is the best producer of all time.

CAPRICORN

You are the most intelligent, attractive, and talented among the rest of the zodiac. No one compares to your glory. You are a lion among sheep. A god amongst men.