Aries: If you are an Aries, you’re probably an idiot, and have never done anything good for anyone. Shame on you.
Leo: Just like any other week, Leos remain painfully boring, desperate for any attention they can get. However, this week they’re also nauseatingly loud.
Sagitarius: Sagittarius is the weakest species in the jungle, and this week all of you are going to die simultaneously.
Taurus: Tauruses are outright filthy, stupid people. Hard to trust, inconsiderate, cheap, stingy, ugly, and all around vile creatures.
Virgo: A man will come to you from an E-mail bearing jewels, and many rupees, but he needs you to wire him money. I would accept it, myself. He is a Nigerian prince, after all. This will be your first test in the way of a real life trust fall. You will have succeeded when you accept this kind offer, and wire him that mulah.
Capricorn: You will have trouble waking up before two in the afternoon. That might be because you’re an alcoholic, but my money’s on something different. You’ve heard of a shamwow? If you go on Ellen this week, you along with every other Cap on the show will go home with one of those shamwows. I could find happiness if I had one of those. I think my wife is going to leave me.
Gemini: The likelihood that you are living in a computer simulation will double each year, as technology continues to advance.
Libra: If a person who always lies says he is lying, is he lying or telling the truth?
Aquarius: This week you will realize that you are part of a world much bigger than you, and that when you die, the world will turn its head from your lifeless, mangled corpse, knowing you never held a purpose that was meaningful to anybody but yourself.
Cancer: Do you know how those weird cracker packs with cheese come with red plastic sticks? Aren’t those so strange? Cancers should be puzzled about those, man.
Scorpio: You have a newfound fascination with cockroaches. What? They’re cool.
Pisces: Keep your hands where I can see them!
Aries: You’ve been getting bored of doing the same thing day in and day out. It’s time for some spontaneity in your life! Ride through the city naked on an ostrich, commit insurance fraud, eat raw cookie dough, even rip the tag off a mattress. Take risks; you probably won’t die.
Leo: You’ve noticed many Aquarians being a little too nice to you. This is not your paranoia acting up. They’re out to get you, Leo. They want to earn your trust just so you put your guard down. When the zodiac war begins, they will attack without hesitation. Arm yourself, war is coming.
Sagittarius: You’re beginning to realize the legends of the dragons are true. As you become more powerful you will come to realize your destiny. You are the true ruler of Skyrim, the victor of this world. You are the Dragonborn. Taurus: With Halloween fast approaching, you’re feeling the spirit within. You go to the Halloween store to pick out your last minute costume… you’re disappointed to find the only one left is a Donald Trump mask. At least you’ll be the scariest one at the party! Virgo: Mark, my words! You yell to the cashier at Walmart; however, Mark doesn’t find your joke humorous, and he calls security after you’ve tried this joke for 30 minutes.
Capricorn: Today you feel as though anything is possible! Springing out of bed with a hop in your step, you rush out the door only to realize you have forgotten your pants. Don’t rush into life dear, ____. You will only make an ass of yourself.
Gemini: Use you’re indecisive split personality to convince acquaintances that you have a twin who is highly disagreeable. Later, you won’t have to pretend. That’s right, you didn’t really eat your twin.
Libra: As Halloween approaches, you will feel the spirit of mischief coursing through your veins. Use these feelings to wreak havoc on your enemies. Destroy them to gain even more social dominance than you already have.
Aquarius: You’ve been rather salty lately. You’ve always been somewhat of a sass-master when people you want nothing to do with speak to you. However, maybe it’s time to be slightly less unapproachable and begin speaking to new people. Try Leos, they really need it.
Cancer: After finding out about your aunt’s nasty case of foot fungus, you decide to avoid her for a while until it calms down a bit. At school your friends all seem to be having the same problem. Was it something in the air? After googling the side effects, your online doctor convinces you that you’re the one who’s been spreading it all along. Scorpio: Your patience will be tested. You should probably just move to Canada and start a maple syrup business. Trees don’t have opinions, therefore you can’t offend them like everyone else.
Pisces: Your compassionate nature will be tested frequently. Don’t worry. You don’t have to pretend. People pretend to listen to you all the time. So it’s fine.