I am a student at Valley high school, and I’m about to graduate. I have some questions about graduation. Why do we have to ip the tassel on the top of our square hats? Is it some kind of political movement? Because if ipping it to the right means that I will start believing in reverse racism and/or display a confederate ag from my truck then no thank you. I also don’t understand why we must wear robes, and my friend told me that it’s because Valley’s gradua- tion ceremony is actually a ritual of a cult, called “The Liberators.” That is why we worship the owl, to swear our undying allegiance to the creature of the night and to prey on the weak mice of society. Is this true? Will I have to become racist and part of a cult in order to graduate?
Sincerely, Constantly Confused
Dear Constantly Confused, The tassel flip signifies your dedication to mediocrity. It’s all downhill from here. What was once an exciting future is now a disappointing present. The Liberators started after a string of disappearances, who all just happened to be Jeremie’s students. Whether you’re aware of it or not, you already have been turned into a racist. By the way, the Owl represents strong, authoritarian leadership started by Sharon’s underground police force. Sincerely, Libby
Dear Libby, my close friend, Megan Foxx (aka Corinne), has decided to be a male body builder. She already has picture of her ‘guns’ in the newspaper and is consuming 14 large protein shakes daily. She also eats 6 raw eggs every single morning. She builds her muscle by stealing small children from Valley’s nursery and taping them all to a stick. She then bench presses the baby kabob, weighing over a thousand pounds, until her arms nally give out. I don’t know what to tell her. She is going too hard, and already has multiple kidnapping charges against her. What should I tell her to get her to stop? Sincerely, A Friend
Dear A Friend, If you are actually interested in helping your friend and this isn’t simply you bragging about how cool the people you hang out with are, plant little insecurities in her brain: “You look better today,” “Those pants?” “You looked stunning yesterday.”This is sure to make her dwell on your vitriol, and simultaneously get her o her game. You can do this. I believe in you. By the way, you looked good yesterday. Sincerely, Libby
I have become very concerned with my mental health. I have been seeing Donald Trump’s face following me. It started when I saw that god awful mask in Jeremie James’ room, and it hasn’t stopped. I see him at work. I see him at school. I even see him when it’s pitch black. I can even hear him talking about the wall sometimes, and it’s making it very hard to sleep at night. My doctor says I have psycho- sis, and I need medication to stop this phenomenon, but I swear I’m not crazy. I may put ies in my freezer and set res to pictures of my family, but I feel ne. Is this some sick joke my friends are playing with me? What do I need to do to be okay? Sincerely, Not Crazy
Dear Not Crazy,
It is a joke your friends are playing on you. They are taping pictures of Donald everywhere to throw you o . You must be on some prank TV show, and there is only one way to solve it. Prank them back. Tear apart everything that could potentially have a hidden camera, and take every opportunity to make your friends’ lives a living hell. Cling wrap their cars, kidnap their cats, steal their credit cards and donate all their money to the Naked Clown Charity. You know, the typical stu . As for the TV show, give them what they want. Stop showering, cake bacon grease into your hair, and only eat what you can kill, which is everything. I hope you go viral, and I’ll look forward to seeing your name in the headlines soon.
All my friends seem to be fueled by coffee, but what exactly is this coffee? Is it a drug? Is it gasoline for humans? Is it some secret code name for a drug I’m not familiar with? Are coffee beans like the pill form of this addictive substance? Someone once told me that coffee is a natural plant and coffee is what happens when you run hot water through the grinds, but marijuana is also a plant that you can heat up. Who came up with the crack liquid anyways? What’s the science behind this incessant need for caffeine and the odd ways we consume it and our strange ways of flavouring it? Should I try this magic potion of life, or is it a trap? Sincerely, Coffee Curious
Dear Coffee Curious,
I fully endorse trying everything once, including coffee. I’m actually still looking for a doctor to agree to fully replace all the blood in my body with espresso, but no one seems to want to take me seriously. I’m dead (serious). One doctor even tried to report me to the authorities, but I was too busy scouting new coffee shops. If I could change my name to Latte, I would. Dear Latte, now doesn’t that sound nice? I’m going to demand people call me Latte. When I die, which is coming up, I’m counting the days, I’ve told my columbian husband, Earl, he’s a tea guy, that I want to be cremated and then sprinkled into a caramel cappuccino, a perfect resting place. Sincerely, Latte
Dear Libby, As we have just started the New Year, I am concerned about re making my image. I would like to change my style for the New Year. New Year, new me, right? I kind of want to start a trend, like make a piercing popular. Maybe I should get a dainty nose bridge piercing. Maybe I should dye my hair a greeny grey, but make it look good. I would like to be known for doing something not conventionally beau- tiful but making it beautiful. I feel like quite a few fashion trends get a bad rap just because we look back and see everyone doing it wrong. What if are jeans came back and were done right? There are so many dead trends to choose from, so which should I do? Sincerely, Fashion Fan
Dear Fashion Fan, I completely and wholeheartedly agree. I think you should grow your nails out until they are at least a foot long and not a millimeter less. You need to nd as many granny oral tablecloths and cut head and arm holes in them and wear them. No belt. You have to totally commit to being a fashion mogul. You have to move to some obscure part of town, live in a broken down old factory, and sleep on a bed made from the ghosts of fashion past. Wear white after Labor Day, put your hair up in a ponytail on the top, or better yet, front of your head. You have one life to lead, so you can either blend in, or stand out. I think the choice is clear. Sincerely, Libby
As of late I’ve been feeling a little lost and confused during science class. When I was younger I truly believed in the power of science, it just made sense. I would walk into class ready to take on the world, as I contemplated this thought I came to realize the reason for true clarity, Bill Nye. I could look forward to his soothing explanations of volcanoes and matter. I would sit and listen for hours it would seem but still everything made sense! Now when I go into my science class I get handed a worksheet and a book but no explanation. It’s all so confusing... So I’ve come to a solution; get rid of any and all scientists who are not Bill Nye. Maybe what I seek is not an answer but a partner. Someone who seeks the same dream as me, a world free of complicated science, someone who shares the love I have for Bill Nye. Libby, will you join me on my quest of ridding the world of complicated science? Signed, Dense Delinquent Dear Dense Delinquent, I’m going to make a solid guess and assume (hope) that you aren’t over the age of 15. If you’re still looking to Bill Nye for answers to complex science equa- tions that would mean that YOU are the problem, not the scientists. Due to how vacuous your question was, the only real advice I can give you is to tell you that it’s time for you to realize that life isn’t going to be all Bill Nye and Mr Rogers, and sometimes the work you have to complete to make you expand your mind, which hopefully you are capable of doing, will be boring. Truly, Libby